Escalation has always been the culprit of the things that have gone terribly wrong, it always stars with the slightest of FUCKS and ends up lingering around like a fuckin mind bomb which exlodes in the back of your head at the most crucial moment.

i dont know how else to express myself, part of me wants this, and part of me wants that. but neither of me wants it to linger. Mind games and relationships have always been apart of one another. 

What was it i did wrong- why did it not end as simply and graciously as i thought it would have? the cold and harsh reality of what has happened has led me to think that everything i've done has only backfired and i cant help but feel this way. im a huge failure, perhaps i should start thinking aobut how other's dont think the way i do and i should either just stfu or let others take the lead.

the only thing i've wanted most in my entire life is now a thing of the past. fucking miserable and upsetting that all i;ve hoped for seems like its just never going to ever happen to me, the one single perfect relationship is just too perfect.

i need to change the way i live and stop living under this rock and take opportunities and stop thinking and hoping and planning, because now i see that the longer you plan for something and the more you want it, it will only stab you in the face when something goes wrong and is beyond your control, when too many people are in the mix and you have no say or the fucking power to tell people to mind their own damn business makes you feel insignificant.

if i had to blame one thing, i would have to blame that very faithful day and my 'actions' & choices i made to go for help because i had no one else to turn to.

I honestly believe that without it ever happening, we wouldnt have come to this point in our lives where everthing i just hanging on the very edge and everything is just bitter, the slightest idea that sparks in our minds of the future and how things would play out are just the worst thigns that could happen.

i never understood why it ment such a great deal to you, even when one person could affect the entire group. things never cleared up. i never wanted it to be this way. just about everyhign that could go wrong, went wrong.

now i've always said that i live to improve on the mistakes of others, and now that i see how my words could hurt another, i vow never to speak the same words ever again.

i dont know if i wish things had been different or the way things could've been, it happened this way, and it happened for a reason, to make me see how weak i am, i have no power over anything. at all.

i have been living in my own world where i thought things would always play out the way i had imagined, but out here things are just far beyond my imagination and i cannot grasp when things go out of control and am unable to make good of things.

i hope that time will only heal these wounds but i cannot hold my hopes for if they may only turn out the opposite, it would just kill me.

things are this way now, i wont push it further. if i may die within this 3 months, then it's nice knowing the lot of you.

goodbye.

the only thing that i;ve ever wanted was to have